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How to convince others you're not a zombie

Being a zombie is no laughing matter. Speaking of matter it’s probably more of a brain matter if anything. If you turn into a zombie you will turn on your friends and family to kill and/or infect them unless they are already zombies. To put you out of your misery and to stop you from being a total douche they should put a bullet through your head or decapitate you in some manner. This is why it’s important to make sure that they don’t think you are zombie if you aren’t. Here’s a quick guide to convincing your friends and family that you’re not one of the walking dead.

Swat flies

If flies land on you, make sure to react by trying to swat them. Don’t worry if you hit your friend in the face in the process or if you knock over that porcelain flower vase. It’s vital that flies don’t have the time to lay eggs in you because once they hatch, all those larvae will appear as a sign of zombification. Just remember it this way: Bugs bug you!

Don’t be a tough guy

If something hurts, don’t be afraid to let people know. Physical pain is a good indication of being human and if you try to man up and hide your reaction to the pain it looks as though you never felt it. If you break your arm or ankle go to the hospital, get a doctor to look at it and put a cast around it. Don’t be shy to walk with crutches. Remember, a zombie wouldn’t use crutches!

Be polite

One of the first human things that go when turning into a zombie is politeness. It doesn’t hurt anyone to smile a little. When someone opens a door for you remember to say “thank you” and most importantly respect other people’s physical boundaries. If you want to get someone’s attention, instead of reaching out with your arms extended, try “excuse me, sir” or “excuse me, madam” whatever the case may be. Just a tiny effort on your part put into being polite may be the difference between a machete in your forehead or not.

Stay away from other zombies

This may seem obvious because other zombies will try to eat you, but it’s also important to know that sometimes zombies may look just like you and outsiders may not be able to tell the difference. If you want to make sure no mistakes are made, perhaps with souped-up bulldozers or other vehicles with mounted chainsaws, take the time to walk the long way and avoid the horde.

Personal Hygiene

The last piece of advice I have for you is that you should take time every morning, at the very least, to wash up and get that rotting corpse smell off of you. Put on some clean clothes and put that blood-soaked shirt in the laundry. They have special detergents for those kinds of things. Putting on some deodorant will go a long way and combing your hair and tying up your shoelaces will work miracles when others are trying to distinguish you from the living dead.

If you have some tips on how to convince others that you’re not a zombie, please share them in the comments. (by the way, zombies and humans are both allowed to comment)

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Comment by Ralph van den Berg

Posted on 5 September, 2011
Another thing I think would help is to whistle. I've never heard a zombie whistle...

Comment by Nathalie van den Berg

Posted on 11 September, 2011
If anything, break into some cool dance moves. That should do the trick.

Comment by Ralph van den Berg

Posted on 12 September, 2011
Regarding those dance moves, you still better be careful. I've seen some people who think they're cool on the dance floor when actually they might as well be part of the living dead...

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