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IN THE BEGINNING

In the beginning, there was nothing, which exploded.

in the beginning was zero, and then there was one.

in the beginning, God made idiots. they were just for practice. then he made us, and we called his idiots "monkeys".

in the beginning, when God was nearly done making our world, he smoked up- and then set about doing the animals on Australia.

in the beginning, nobody was really there to see it happen. there was not one person around to take note of things like "wow, lights! ouch, physics! owOWOWou...ou... time..." coming into being.
this, however, does not prevent some people from pointing out that they have an invisible friend who *was* there, and not only that, but who was *responsible* for everything.
when you think about it, this is an excellent reason to reject atheism: because with atheism, you can only blame yourself. with theism, you can blame an invisible man in the clouds (or in a lake of fire, or holding a newspaper in an elephant trunk while seven hands deal with the toilet paper in a public restroom and the eighth hand deals with where the toilet paper goes) for every little detail that you don't particularly agree with.
there is a certain ammount of satisfaction with this that cannot be had any other way.

in the beginning, there were no swear words. somebody had to think them all up.
imagine them, if you will, trying to think of something particularly nasty. "Ouch!" would probably have been among the first of these things, probably along with "upset stomach!", "Headache!", and "defacation that is unpleasant!"
from these humble beginnings, more complex layers would have to be added: "that person is an ouch!" just didn't have the right ring to it. and so we see words like (in english) 'damn' come into being, which can translate back to roughly "I want you to have so much ouch that you die of ouch, and then I want you to ouch some more, forever and ever!". from this we can see that swearing has greatly enriched our grasp of language from the time it was developed, because words like "forever" had to be invented to fit in all the ouches.
from that point, somebody probably said "how can I ouch even after I'm dead?" and then it had to be explained about the how in the beginning, the invisible man did everything, and how he loves you, and how he will ouch you forever and ever after you're dead anyway if you don't do what he says.
this explains why missionaries should swear more often.



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Comment by Ralph van den Berg

Posted on 19 September, 2008
"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded" - You know, to be a bit more accurate (not that it'll help), they actually propose that in the beginner there was EVERYTHING but just compressed into such a tiny speck that it technically was just nothing... Makes fuckloads more sense that way right?

Comment by Ralph van den Berg

Posted on 3 October, 2008
You know what else is interesting about the Big Bang theory? Big Bang was the name given by some reporter to ridicule it, and the real name never existed or was lost forever. Another thing is that's it's not even trying to explain the origin of the universe, it's attempting to explain everything that happened a split-milli-nanosecond after onwards. Finally, it wasn't an explosion, just everything expanding incredibly fast...

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