Body Piercings

What ever happened to the normal, biological orifices with which we are all born? Adding extras, i.e. body piercings, have gotten completely out of hand! I’m trying to give the whole culture the benefit of the doubt, but my doubts are winning out over benefits! You need a brochure just to keep them all straight.

Take ear piercings, for example. Just how many holes can an earlobe sustain? I am afraid that the next time a baby grabs the earlobe of a multiple pierced lobe, it will tear off neatly along the dotted line! Even this pales in comparison to the lobes stretched enough to hold a AAA battery. What happens when the now 85 year old lobes are long and dangly? If you don’t keep a dry cell battery or pill bottle in the enlarged hole, you risk being yanked off your feet when it catches on a door knob.

I suppose nose rings have some vague connection to the saying about “leading someone around by the nose”? The ear-ring-to-nose-ring chain thing has me puzzled though. Is it like the glasses on a chain around your neck so you won’t lose them? Which is it they are afraid will drop off unnoticed and be forever lost… their nose or ear?

Moving down to the mouth region, I have seen more people oblivious to the fact that a gigantic spaghetti noodle is draped through their lip ring. And when a tongue ring gets accidentally wedged between two teeth, it creates an embarrassing lisp. Or maybe it wasn’t accidental. Who am I to judge?



Moving south, we encounter the nipple ring, most strange, since this is usually not even seen! Where did the inspiration for this come from? Was the little extra bit of flesh just too tempting for early piercers? I dread the day when the ring ceremony at a wedding involves the exchange of these. Time to turn the video camera on the audience!

Then there’s the navel ring. Now this does have some practical application. Close the belly button with a ring and you keep it clean by preventing the accumulation of cookie crumbs while eating in bed. Or cache your diamond ring there for safe keeping. Maybe this could be the modern equivalent of the old locket necklace, where a cherished photo of your nearest and dearest is hidden.

That’s as far south as I’m willing to go. I don’t even want to picture other sites. I wonder how many holes the human body can sustain without leaking. Just saying!